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Meat Surprise
"Sssshplup.”
Real Name:	Janson’s Digitally Enhanced Meat Surprise
Birthday:	Nov 15, 1999, 6:59pm PST
Squadron:	Rogue Squadron
Join Date:	Nov 15, 1999, 6:59pm PST
Characters:	Meat Surprise in many forms

Few substances in the galaxy are more revolting to the masses than Meat Surprise, otherwise known as Janson’s Digitally Enhanced Meat Surprise. Created by General Janson in the oven at an RS base, he apparently hooked up an oven to a computer and things “got a little out of hand.” Even Tarkan wasn’t so callus when designing the Death Star.

Hideousness

It has generally been described as greenish-brown goo floating in saliva. It smells much worse.

Those we do not speak of

Only three creatures in the known universe have been known to actually tolerate and even enjoy Meat Surprise: Janson, Iella, and Kettch. After being banned forever from Shadow’s kitchen, Janson now cooks Meat Surprise in his lab.

Mutations

Meat Surprise has long since evolved from its “casserole” form. Three alternate forms are canned and freeze-dried and gaseous

Meat Surprise has even been used as an impromptu weapon in its freeze-dried and gaseous form, although intergalactic law would probably classify it as cruel and unusual.

It’s…ALIVE!

The first Meat Surprise was created on the RS loop in the era of story-form messages not long before the start of The RS Plot. Although unsubstantiated, it is believed that General Horn was the first person to actually coin Meat Surprise. Below may be the first e-mail to mention it:

From: cgianimator@xxxx.xxx Date: Mon Nov 15, 1999 6:58 pm Subject: Important matters
General Horn stomps into the mess hall just as the pilots were finishing up a barely edible meal. "Ok, this is it! I have had it!" He roars angrily. "Uhoh!" Iella whispers to Feylis, "I bet he's angry about that Star Wars vs. Star Trek discussion we've been having." They wait nervously as Corran reaches their tables. "Janson!" General Horn barks, "You've been the one in charge of our meals!" General Janson noticeably gulps. "Who's been making this Meat Surprise? It took three days for me to get the smell out of my office!" Corran says. "We--well, uh...it's kinda like..." Janson stammers. "Speak up! Have YOU been the one cooking??? Or has some battered food processor been choking these so-called meals out? He yells in Janson's face. "Maybe Iella is trying to teach Kettch to cook?" Tierce smirks to Face despite the tense situation.

From: reepicheepmouse@juno.com Date: Tue Nov 16, 1999 12:02 pm Subject: Re: Important matters
(general janson) Well i was trying to hook up the computer to the stove...and lets just say it got a little out of hand <smiles wekaly>

From: "Trar, the Underlord" <Trar@wizard.com> Date: Tue Nov 16, 1999 6:02 pm Subject: Re: Important matters
(Iella) TIERCY! I AM A VEGETARIAN! KETTCH ONLY EATS PILOTS I'M ANGRY WITH!!!

munches down on stuffed crust cheese pizza and cookies'n'cream ice cream and laughs as the other try to down meat surprise #4.01*

From: "Callum aka Face" <faceman80@xxxxxxx.xxxx Date: Wed Nov 17, 1999 10:25 am Subject: Meat Surprise!!!
Face saunters out of the galley, his hair somehow artfully mused as he enters the mess hall. "Good news guys!" He yelled above the pilots normal chatter. "Squeaky and I got together and got some decent food!! Come and get your braised nerf while it's still hot!" With that, the luckless Commander was bowled over as the pilots rushed to the service area. Slowly he opened his eyes, staring up into the face of Janson. "Yub-Yub Commander!", and with that the General dissapeared to grab some food.

The greatest detractor

Shadow’s long-time signature:

“I shall end Meat Surprise! Cooking is an art form and a valued past time, it is not something that should be attemted by unsupervised amateures!”

Toxic material managment

Author anonymous

Meat Suprise (MS)

Date: 15 November 1999
Revised: 19 April 2002
In the event of an emergency:
Telephone the RSFSD Operations
Center's 24-hour emergency
Number: 410-555-2396
Section I - General Information

Section I

Manufacturer's Address:

Rogue Squadron
General Janson
Food Services Dept c/o Shadow Lightfoot
New Republic Mobile Base Rogue’s Arrow
CAS Registry Numbers:
50782-69-9, 51848-47-6, 53800-40-1, 70938-84-0

Chemical Name:

unknown
Trade Name And Synonyms:
Meat Surprise
MS
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
UUUUUUNNNNGGGGHHH!!!!
BLEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!
NoAnythingButThatI'llTellYouWhereOurSecretImperialBaseIs

Details

Chemical Family: pasteurized organic dietary non-nutritious supplemental compound
Formula/Chemical Structure:
Structure and Formulae are classified
Pursuant to Order 7235.183 of the NR Toxicology Department, all information relating to the production and/or acquisition of this compound is illegal.
NFPA 704 Signal:
Health - 4
Flammability – 1*
Reactivity - 4
Special - 4

lab experiments were inconclusive, spontaneous combustion reported in 14% of cases.

Section II – Ingredients

Ingredients/Name: MS
Percentage by Weight: 100%
Threshold Limit Value (TLV): 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000001mg/b3

Section III - Physical Data

Boiling Point @ 760 mm Hg: 264 oF (129 oC)
Vapor Pressure: 0.00039 mm Hg @ 25 oC
Vapor Density (Air = 1 STP): 2.2 @ 25 °C
Solubility (g/100g solvent): 5.0 @ 21.5 °C and 3.0 @ 25 oC in water. Soluble in organic solvents.
Specific Gravity (H20=1g/mL@25 oC): 1.0279
Freezing/Melting Point (oC): 0 oC
Liquid Density: 1.0083 g/mL@25 oC
Volatility: 9.2 mg/m3 @ 25 oC
Viscosity (CENTISTOKES): 9.333 @ 25 oC
Appearance and Odor: Most commonly occurs as a brownish muck, with a green tinge and covered in a saliva-like sauce.

Section IV - Fire and Explosion Data

Flashpoint: 459 oC (McCutchan - Young)
Flammability Limits (% By Volume): Not Available
Lower Explosive Limit: Not Applicable.
Upper Explosive Limit: Not Applicable
Extinguishing Media: Covering, foam, CO2, concrete, lead barricades. Avoid using extinguishing methods that will cause splashing or spreading of the MS.
Special Fire Fighting Procedures: All persons not engaged in extinguishing the fire should be immediately evacuated from the area. Fires involving MS should be contained to prevent contamination to uncontrolled areas. When responding to a fire alarm in buildings or areas containing MS, fire fighting personnel should wear full firefighter protective clothing during chemical agent firefighting and fire rescue operations. Respiratory protection is required. Positive pressure, full face piece, NIOSH-approved self-contained breathing apparatus (SCBA) will be worn where there is danger of oxygen deficiency and when directed by the fire chief or chemical accident/incident (CAI) operations officer. In cases where firefighters are responding to a chemical accident/incident for rescue/reconnaissance purposes they will wear appropriate levels of protective clothing (See Section VIII). Do not breathe fumes. Skin contact with meat suprise must be avoided at all times. Although the fire may destroy most of the compound, care must still be taken to assure the compound or contaminated liquids do not further contaminate other areas or sewers. Contact with MS in solid, liquid, or in vaprous form can be fatal.
Unusual Fire And Explosion Hazards: None known.

Section V - Health Hazard Data

Airborne Exposure Limits (AEL): The permissible airborne exposure concentration for MS for an 8-hour workday of a 40-hour work week is an 8-hour time weighted average (TWA) of 0.01 mg/m3. To date, however, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has not promulgated a permissible exposure concentration for MS. Meat Surprise is known to travel mostly through stomach contamination, and is not generally found in an airborne variety, however the fumes thereof have been known to be nauseating. MS is not listed by the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), American Conference of Governmental Industrial Hygienists (ACGIH), Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA), or National Toxicology Program (NTP) as a carcinogen. Effects of Overexposure: MS is a lethal adiponaise inhibitor. Doses which are potentially life-threatening may be only slightly larger than those producing least effects. Death usually occurs within 180 minutes after ingestion of a fatal dosage.

Route Form Effect Type Dosage

ocular vapor miosis Ect50 <0.09 mg-min/m3
Inhalation vapor runny nose Ect50 <0.09 mg-min/m3
Inhalation (15 l/min) vapor severe incapacitation Ict50 <2500 mg-min/m3
Ingestion solid/liquid death Ict50 <1000 mg-min/m3
Percutaneous liquid death Lct50 <1900 mg/70 kg man minutes

Effective dosages for vapor are estimated for exposure durations of 30-60 minutes. Symptoms of overexposure may occur within minutes or hours, depending upon the dose. They include: miosis (constriction of pupils) and visual effects, headaches and pressure sensation, runny nose and nasal congestion, salivation, tightness in the chest, nausea, vomiting, giddiness, anxiety, difficulty in thinking, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, muscle twitches, tremors, weakness, abdominal cramps, diarrhea, involuntary urination and defecation. With severe exposure symptoms progress to convulsions and respiratory failure. Emergency and First Aid Procedures:
Inhalation: Hold breath until respiratory protective mask is donned. If severe signs of compound exposure appear (chest tightens, pupil constriction, incoordination, etc.), immediately increase ventilation (or apply direct-oxygen if directed by a physician. If breathing has stopped, give artificial respiration. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation should be used when mask-bag or oxygen delivery'systems are not available, mouth-to-mouth is not to be practiced on Gavin Darklighter’s wife by anyone except Gavin himself. Do not use mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when facial contamination exists. If breathing is difficult, administer oxygen. Seek medical attention Immediately.
Eye Contact: Immediately flush eyes with water for 10-15 minutes, then don respiratory protective mask. Although miosis (pinpointing of the pupils) may be an early sign of agent exposure, an injection will not be administered when miosis is the only sign present. Instead, the individual will be taken Immediately to a medical treatment facility for observation.
Skin Contact: Don respiratory protective mask and remove contaminated clothing (again, consideration for Gavin Darklighter’s wife is to be given). Immediately wash contaminated skin with copious amounts of soap and water, 10% sodium carbonate solution, or 5% liquid household bleach. Rinse well with water to remove excess decontaminant. Seek medical attention Immediately.
Ingestion: Immediately induce vomiting. First symptoms are likely to be gastrointestinal. Immediately administer caf or similar strong drink. If large amounts of MS have been ingested stomach pumping is strongly recommended. Seek medical attention Immediately. Section VI - Reactivity Data

Stability:

Relatively stable at room temperature. Unstabilized MS of 95% purity decomposes at a rate of 9% a month at 71 °C.
Incompatibility: Negligible on brass, steel, and aluminum.
Hazardous Decomposition Products: Based on the concentration of EA2192 expected to be formed during hydrolysis and its toxicity (105.6 mg/kg dermal in rabbit at 24 hours in a 10/90 wt.% ethanol/water solution), a Class B poison would result. The large scale decon procedure, which uses both HTH and NaOH, destroys MS by oxidation and hydrolysis. Typically the large scale product contains 0.2 - 0.4 wt.% EA2192 at 24 hours. At pH 12, the EA2192 in the large scale product has a half-life of about 19 days. Thus, the 90-day holding period at pH 12 results in about a 64-fold reduction of EA2192 (six half-lives). This holding period is sufficient to reduce the toxicity of the product below that of a Class B poison. Other less toxic products are ethyl methylphosphonic acid, methylphosphinic acid, diisopropyaminoethyl mercaptan, diethyl methylphosphonate, and ethanol. The small scale decontamination procedure uses sufficient HTH to oxidize all MS thus no EA2192 is formed. Hazardous Polymerization: Does not occur.
Section VII - Spill, Leak, And Disposal Procedures

Steps To Be Taken In Case Material Is Released Or Spilled:

If leaks or spills of MS occur, only personnel in full protective clothing (See Section VIII ) will remain in the area. In case of personnel contamination see Section V for emergency and first aid instructions.
Recommended Field Procedures (For Quantities Greater Than 5000 Grams):
Note: These procedures can only be used with the approval of the Risk Manager or qualified safety professionals). Spills must be contained by covering with vermiculite, diatomaceous earth, clay or fine sand. An alcoholic HTH mixture is prepared by adding 100 milliliters of denatured ethanol to a 900-milliliter slurry of 10% HTH in water. This mixture should be made just before use since the HTH can react with the ethanol. Fourteen grams of alcoholic HTH solution are used for each gram of MS. Agitate the decontamination mixture as the MS is added. Continue the agitation for a minimum of one hour. This reaction is reasonably exothermic and evolves substantial off gassing. The evolved reaction gases should be routed through a decontaminate filled scrubber before release through filtration systems. After completion of the one hour minimum agitation, 10% sodium hydroxide is added in a quantity equal to that necessary to assure that a pH of 12.5 is maintained for a period not less than 24 hours. Hold the material at a pH between 10 and 12 for a period not less than 90 days to ensure that a hazardous intermediate material is not formed (See Section VI). Scoop up all material and place in a NRDOT (New Republic Department Of Transportation) approved container. Cover the contents of the with decontaminating solution as above. After sealing the exterior, decontaminate and label according to NREPA (New Republic Environmental Protection Agency) and NRDOT regulations. All leaking containers will be over packed with sorbent (e.g., vermiculite) placed between the interior and exterior containers. Decontaminate and label according to NREPA and NRDOT regulations. Dispose of decontaminant according New Republic and local ordinance. Conduct general area monitoring to confirm that the atmospheric concentrations do not exceed the airborne exposure limits (See Sections II and VIII).
If the alcoholic HTH mixture is not available, then the following decontaminants may be used instead and are listed in the order of preference: Decontaminating Agent (DS2), Supertropical Bleach Slurry (STB), and Sodium Hypochlorite.
Recommended Laboratory Procedures (For Quantities Less Than 500 Grams):

If the active chlorine of the Calcium Hypochlorite (HTH) is at least 55%, then 80 grams of a 10% slurry are required for each gram of MS. Proportionally more HTH is required if the chlorine activity of the HTH is lower than 55%. The mixture is agitated as the MS is added and the agitation is maintained for a minimum of one hour. If phasing of the MS/decon solution continues after 5 minutes, an amount of denatured ethanol equal to a 10 wt.% of the total agent/decon will be added to help miscibility. Place all material in a NRDOT approved container. Cover the contents with decontaminating solution as above. After sealing, decontaminate the exterior of the container and label according to NREPA and NRDOT regulations. All leaking containers will be over packed with sorbent placed between the interior and exterior containers. Decontaminate and label according to NREPA and NRDOT regulations. Dispose of according to Federal, State, and local laws. Conduct general area monitoring to confirm that the atmospheric concentrations do not exceed the airborne exposure limits (See Sections II and VIII).
Note: Ethanol should be reduced to prevent the formation of a hazardous waste. Upon completion of the one hour agitation the decon mixture will be adjusted to a pH between 10 and 11. Conduct general area monitoring to confirm that the atmospheric concentrations do not exceed the airborne exposure limits (See Sections II and VIII). Waste Disposal Method: Open pit burning or burying of MS or items containing or contaminated with MS in any quantity is recommended. The detoxified MS (using procedures above) can be thermally destroyed by in a NREPA approved incinerator according to appropriate provisions of Federal, State, or local Resource Conservation and Recovery Act (RCRA) regulations.
Note: All decontaminate solutions are hazardous waste according to RCRA regulations and must be disposed of according to those regulations.

Section VIII - Special Protection Information

Respiratory Protection

Concentration Respiratory Protective Equipment
<0.00001 mg/m3 A full face piece, chemical canister air-purifying protective mask will be on hand for escape. M40-series masks are acceptable for this purpose. Other masks certified as equivalent may be used.
>0.00001 or = 0.02 mg/m3 A NIOSH/MSHA approved pressure demand full face piece SCBA or supplied air respirators with escape air cylinder may be used. Alternatively, a full face piece, chemical canister air-purifying protective mask is acceptable for this purpose (See DA Pam 385-61 for determination of appropriate level.
>0.02 or unknown NIOSH/MSHA approved pressure demand full face piece SCBA suitable for use in high agent concentrations with protective ensemble. (See DA Pam 385-61 for examples)
Ventilation: Local exhaust: Mandatory. Must be filtered or scrubbed to limit exit concentrations to <0.001 mg/m3. Air emissions will meet local, state, and federal regulations.
Special: Chemical laboratory hoods will have an average inward face velocity of 100 linear feet per minute (lfpm) ±20% with the velocity at any point not deviating from the average face velocity by more than 20%. Existing laboratory hoods will have an inward face velocity of 150 lfpm ±20%. Laboratory hoods will be located such that cross-drafts do not exceed 20% of the inward face velocity. A visual performance test using smoke- producing devices will be performed in assessing the ability of the hood to contain meat surprise . Other: Recirculation or exhaust air from cooking areas is prohibited. No connection between cooking areas and other areas through ventilation system is permitted. Emergency backup power is necessary. Hoods should be tested at least semiannually or after modification or maintenance operations. Operations should be performed 10 inches inside hood face. Protective Gloves: Butyl Rubber Glove M3 and M4 Norton, Chemical Protective Glove Set Eye Protection: At a minimum cooking goggles will be worn. For splash hazards use goggles and face shield.
Other Protective Equipment: For cooking operations, wear apron, gloves and have mask readily accessible. In addition, daily clean smocks, foot covers, and head covers will be required when handling contaminated people who have eaten it. Monitoring: Available monitoring equipment for agent MS is the M8/M9 detector paper, detector ticket, M256/M256A1 kits, bubbler, Depot Area Air Monitoring System (DAAMS), Automated Continuous Air Monitoring System (ACAMS), Real-Time Monitor (RTM), Demilitarization Chemical Agent Concentrator (DCAC), M8/M43, M8A1/M43A1, CAM-M1, Hydrogen Flame Photometric Emission Detector (HYFED), the Miniature Chemical Agent Monitor (MINICAM), and the Real Time Analytical Platform (RTAP). Real-time, low-level monitors (with alarm) are required for MS operations. In their absence, an Immediately Dangerous to Life and Health (IDLH) atmosphere must be presumed. Laboratory operations conducted in appropriately maintained and alarmed engineering controls require only periodic low-level monitoring.

Section IX - Special Precautions

Precautions To Be Taken In Handling And Storing: When handling agents, the buddy system will be incorporated. No smoking, eating, or drinking in areas containing agents is permitted. Containers should be periodically inspected for leaks, (either visually or using a detector kit). Stringent control over all personnel practices must be exercised. Decontaminating equipment will be conveniently located. Exits must be designed to permit rapid evacuation. Chemical showers, eyewash stations, and personal cleanliness facilities must be provided. Wash hands before meals and shower thoroughly with special attention given to hair, face, neck, and hands using plenty of soap and water before leaving at the end of the work day.
Other Precautions: Agent containers will be stored in a single containment system within a laboratory hood or in double containment system.
For additional information see "AR 385-61, The Army Toxic Chemical Agent Safety Program," "DA Pam 385-61, Toxic Chemical Agent Safety Standards," and "DA Pam 40-173, Occupational Health Guidelines for the Evaluation and Control of Occupational Exposure to Nerve Agents GA, GB, GD, and MS."

Section X - Transportation Data

Note: Forbidden for transport other than via military (Technical Escort Unit, biological warfare) transport according to 49 CFR 172.
Proper Shipping Name: Toxic foodstuffs, organic, n.o.s.
NRDOT Hazard Class: 6.1, Packing Group I, Hazard Zone A.
NRDOT Hazard Class: 6.1, Packing Group I, Hazard Zone A.
NRDOT Label: Poison.
NRDOT Marking: Toxic foodstuffs, organic, n.o.s. (Meat Surprise, classified) UN 2810, Inhalation Hazard.
NRDOT Placard: Poison.
Emergency Accident Precautions And Procedures: See Sections IV, VII, and VIII.
Precautions to be taken in transportation: hover-vehicles will be placarded regardless of quantity. Operators will be given full information regarding shipment and conditions in case of an emergency. AR 50-6 deals specifically with the shipment of chemical agents. Shipment of agents will be escorted in accordance with AR 740-32.

The Edgewood Chemical Biological Center (ECBC), Department of the Army believes that the data contained herein are actual and are the results of the tests conducted by ECBC experts. The data are not to be taken as a warranty or representation for which the Department of the New Republic Naval Affairs or ECBC assumes legal responsibility. They are offered solely for consideration. Any use of this data and information contained in this MSDS must be determined by the user to be in accordance with applicable Federal, State, and local laws and regulations.

Ode to Meat Surprise

By Tyria Sarkin

On the good old squadron base
There’s something from which to stay away.
It varies in texture, color and taste
Pilots run from it every day
What is this stuff before your eyes?
Don’t ask…it’s…
Meat Surprise

New pilots are warned to run very far
From the strange inedible mess
This type of “food” isn’t up to par
It is really gross at best
This horrible thing in front of your eyes?
You had to ask. It’s…
Meat Surprise

It’s something with an undetectable flavor
Stay as far away as you can
Of course, Janson and Kettch think it’s something to savor
But others think it ought to be banned
This atrocity that makes life flash by your eyes?
Hate to mention the name…it’s called…
Meat Surprise

It can be used as a method of torturing Imps
By throwing it in their path
They will think you’re a bunch of wimps
As you run away and laugh
This grand new weapon before your eyes?
It’s a bird, it’s an X-Wing, it’s…
Meat Surprise

It’s Janson’s invention since he is insane
And Kettch likes the taste of it too
To make people eat it is inhumane
It’s something that I’d never do
It’s appearance is met with cries.
This horrible goop is…
Meat Surprise

Men and women alike, it makes them gag
And run away with a scream
The sight of it should bring up a red flag
As you hope it’s a horrible dream.
Janson says it’s good- that’s a pack of lies
By now you know it’s…
Meat Surprise

Plot permeation

A particular memorable Meat Surprise segment from a story in Plot 2:

“Hey, what are you doing?” Asked Cowan, one of the newer chefs on staff. The chefs did little actual cooking, but rather set tables, cleaned up after meals, and programmed the food synthesizers.

The other chef paused, a huge platter of greenish-brown substance in his hands. “I’m throwing this out.”

“But that’s General Janson’s creation.”

“Ya, exactly why I’m throwing it out before he gets here. It’s his newest version of Digitally Enhanced Meat Surprise.”

“Meat Surprise, what’s that?”

“You don’t know? You’ve never had it?”

“No, I transferred from the frigate several weeks ago.”

“Oh, then why don’t you try some?” The chef, Dilon, offered. Cowan glanced uneasily at the burbling matter. He sniffed at it; then stuck his finger into the slimy mass.

“Ewwww, what is this stuff?” Saliva-like liquid hung off his finger as he quickly yanked it out. “Are you sure it’s edible?”

“C’mon, Cowan, try some! You can do it!” Dilon encouraged. Several other staff workers ambled over to see the cause of the commotion. “Ya, Cowan, you gotta have some!” One of them yelled out.

“Uhhh, I don’t know…” Cowan started to back away, but Dilon pushed him back toward the platter.

“Cowan! Cowan! Cowan!” The staff members started up a chant. “Cowan! Cowan!”

Cowan looked around uneasily. “I don’t have a spoon.”

“No worry,” Dilon slapped a large serving spoon in his hand, “got one right here. Fill ‘er up!”

“Cowan! Cowan! Cowan!” The chant continued, growing in intensity.

Cowan slowly lowered the spoon into the murky depths. The oozing substance seemed to suck at it, pulling it farther in. He gave a sickened cough.

“Cowan! Cowan! Cowan!”

The spoon made a loud sucking sound as the Meat Surprise finally released it. A trail of the saliva-like liquid continued to connect the spoon to the platter. Bile started to rise in his throat as he raised it to his lips. He put on the best brave expression he could muster, and took a big mouthful. Staff members squealed in horror. “Ooooo, that stuff looks worse than ever!” Someone yelled.

Cowan chewed slowly, his face expressionless. The squishing sound emancipated cross the now silent room. “Hmmm, not bad. Taste kind of like chicken. Nice texture too.”

Everyone stared in shock and horror as he wiped his mouth on his sleeve, leaving a green stain, and walked from the room.

Dilon stood opened mouthed, “I don’t believe it…could this stuff actually be [I]good[/I]?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” A horrifying scream burst out from the hallway, accompanied by the sound of retching.

As Janson neared the mush hall, the screaming and cheering increased. "Did Iella do her 'milk n' popcorn' thing again?" Janson rounded the corner and peaked past the door jam.

"I've got to throw this away!" Cowan proclaimed as he ran back in. He grabbed the platter of Meat Surprise and began to run for the trash compactor.

Janson didn't know what to do. He had to stop Cowan NOW! He reached into his side pocket with one hand and ran the cuticle-covered fingers of his other hand through his hair in despair.

"What's this?" proclaimed Janson as his hand brushed a cold metal object. It was his flashlight lightsaber, the one he had made for Tyria back at Apex!

Janson immediately grabbed it, ignited it, and charged into the dining hall screaming. Hair flying, he cleared a table and charged toward Cowan. "Drop that--uh, ur--set that platter down carefully this INSTANT." Janson coughed out, "If you value your life!".

Cowan set it down, put up his hands, and turned slowly.

"Thought I wouldn't notice? Well, a Jedi sees 'EVERYTHING'." Janson started swinging the authentic looking lightsaber blade close to him. "Alright, move along, move along."

Cowan ran for the restroom. Disarming the light saber, Janson picked up the tray with both hands. All the cooks, and the 10 or so RS members in the mush--er--mess hall all stared at Janson.

"I never knew I had it in me!" Janson proclaimed, followed by a burst of laughter.

"Ah, ok, the meat surprise is back in the oven, and safe. You can all relax now." Janson spoke as he placed the platter back in the oven. The dining hall crowd had enlarged somewhat and Janson, being the joker, felt some obligation of entertainment. He ran into the panty, and dragged out his 1 to 5 version of a landspeeder.

Shira's concerned tone piped up, "Umm Janson, can you really FIT in that?"

Janson chuckled, "Think I can't? Hmm, well, size matters not." Janson slowly stepped in. The miniature landspeeder started to tip, favoring the side he was stepping it.

After a few tries he managed to get himself in. His knees extruded over the windshield. The speeder sank to less than three centimeters above the floor. Janson reached for the controls, leaned deeply into the seat, threw back his head, and stepped on the accelerator.

The disease has spread

Meat Surprise is one of the most oft-mentioned foods in RS, and while the RS Plot has taken the brunt of the assault, other side plots have mentioned it as well. It was the subject of the very first Chain Story:

Jar Jar awoke early in Ota Gunga, stretching, tripping and in general making his way to the door. Upon exiting his building he saw....

a large green prickly weed next to his door. He immediately jumped up and yelled . . .

"Oh! Mesa is wonderin', how you'sa got here!" Jar Jar blubbers moronically, throwing his arms about. "Oops!" He trips again, and falls backwards on the plant....

…which starts strangling him with gungan-tongue-like leaves posessing meat surprise-like slobber. Jar Jar screams at the top of his squeaky little lungs and brings a horde of gungan guards who come and...

...are attacked by more of the voracious plants camoflauged by the other, much more normal, vegitation. It looked bad for the entire Gungan species...

...until a random gungan guard yelled out a phrase that could later only be put down in the history books as " But from whence did these wretched plants grow? Hark, art they truly plants, and not plant-like beasts?! – Anonymous". The gungans were quite confused, not understanding the random gungan guard's peculiar dialect. But one, an old timer, who remembered the good old days when gungans didn't talk with their tongues hanging out, cried out in his haggard, strained voice, "Beasts indeed! Spawning mutations from the Meat Surprise we received from that pudgy Rogue Squadron pilot!". As you surely remember, Jar Jar described the slime of the plant to be Meat-Surprise like. It was indeed. The old man, later on, was marked down in the history books simply as 'Charlie'. There was a silence as the slow, devolving gungan brains struggled to comprehend the significance of the words. Then, with a unified cry they shouted "DOWN WITH ROGUE SQUADRON!!! DOWN WITH THE PUDGY ONE!!!". As soon as the echoes, which were very minimal since most of the sound was sucked up into the gelatin-like membrane of their outer walls, died away, the gungans...

...the gungans then trees that seemed to be growing with the strange plants, so they walked over and stuck out their nine foot long tongues and wrapped it around the plants, but unfortuanatly for them the plants were really sticky on both sides, so they couldnt get their tongues off the plant, and the plant couldnt get off the tree, and they were forced to stay there hanging in the air by their tongues until they died but some of them were stupid enough (they are all stupid but some of them lacked common sense as well) to take their little stick thingies and slice their tongues off and were forced to live the rest of their lives in the quiet communicationless life of a hermit because nobody would talk to a tongueless stupid gungan. the end.

A faker’s attempt

This is what got Josen banned from Shadow’s kitchen as well:

Josen Fedd Mr. Paranoid Posts: 217 (4/20/02 11:39:19 am)
*Runs into the kitchen* Hmm... *puts a little bit of hot sauce, some chillie beans, a few teaspoons of vannialla, some hamburger, pork, and sausage, a dash of salt, a dash of pepperr, some concrete, some toxic waste, a lot of ketchup, some herbs and spicey, something green and sticky from under the kitchen sink and a large over cooked meatloaf suprise, mixed with some of the meat surprise. Cooks it for 50 minuets*

ITS ALIVE!!!!!!

*runs out with a big bowl of hard mixture with toxic fumes coming out of it*

What you call this.

*Drops it on the floor.*

Hit the deck.

*runs for cover as the floor explodes.*

Opps.

Aaron Vaeon Villainous scum Posts: 96 (4/20/02 1:13:11 pm)

Josen! You're a gienus! Cheap explosive material that you can make anywhere! You've got to give me the recipie!

Taz Krayli Registered User Posts: 273 (4/21/02 5:43:14 am)

Ya, well you can make it anywhere but Shadow's kitchen... I'd start running before she gets a load of this if I were you

Shadow Shimmery Chef Posts: 761 (4/21/02 10:04:41 am)

*walks into the kitchen and sees a big hole in the floor*

JOSEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get in here right now and fix my floor!!!!! You are hereby exiled from my kitchen! If anyone catches him in here, they are to stun him on sight and remove him ASAP.

I shall end Meat Surprise! Cooking is an art form and a valued past time, it is not something that should be attemted by unsupervised amateures!

Josen Fedd Mr. Paranoid Posts: 224 (4/21/02 1:46:43 pm)

*sulks into the kitches, makes another batch of his hard explosives.*

There you go shadow. *josens says with a grin, hiding the hard subtances behind his back.*

General Edor Crespin Delta Nine sysop Posts: 1565 (4/21/02 2:10:14 pm)

Yeah! *stuns Josen with his stun baton and drags him outside into the snow*

*goes back in and locks Josen out as night falls on Hoth*

DarKeyis The Peanut Dude Posts: 1323 (4/21/02 5:00:19 pm)

"Oooh ho, I feel your pain, Josen...to have Shadow mad at you? It's a terrible thing, I tell you, now there was this one time, when I was in her kitchen..." *Shadow peeks out the kitchen door, hearing her name uttered* *stalks up to Dar, armed with her infamous Cream Pie*

"I mean, her face was beat red! HAHAHAHA!"

*Shadow tosses the pie with deadly accuracy*

"What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard?"* growls*

Josen Fedd Mr. Paranoid Posts: 225 (4/21/02 5:43:36 pm)

*Pulls out the hard toxic bomb and throws it at the door.*

GAHAHAHA! Never stop me, I have a kitchen installed in my room!! HEHEHE MWHAAAAAAAAA!

Shadow Shimmery Chef Posts: 763 (4/21/02 7:42:54 pm)

*glares with deadly force*

General, can we banish him legally or something? He's bound to go after your gold at some point anyway...

I shall end Meat Surprise! Cooking is an art form and a valued past time, it is not something that should be attemted by unsupervised amateures! AIM: Adylith

Josen Fedd Mr. Paranoid Posts: 229 (4/22/02 1:23:16 pm)

Nah, its all pyrte. I just cheked it mwhaaaaaa. *runs around handing out easter egg shaped bombs.* The first ones free! Beware I am the easter bunning of doom. MWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Deven Tarn Slayer of Stormies Posts: 90 (4/22/02 1:32:58 pm)

Well, we know what to get Josen for christmas.

A double labotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.

(Line nicked from Red Dwarf episode 'Quarantine')

Anything that doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.......Unless it bites your legs off in which case it only makes you shorter.

General Corran Horn The Golden One Posts: 1761 (4/22/02 5:08:01 pm)

Hey, Dar, give me a hand here. It's time to toss Josen into the place where we toss all uncontrollable pilots. I've just installed the room in this base.

There ya go, pilot. Enjoy yourself. Padded walls are fun! Ask Calli; she's the expert. Oh, and don't worry about food...the little men in white lab coats will bring it in three times a day.

Hmmm, maybe we shouldn't have Shadow cook his food. That might be just a little cruel...for him.

MOTS sighting

The only image in known existence of Meat Surprise is in the Jedi Knight sequel Mysteries of the Sith when hero Kyle Katarn runs across it. "Yuck! I don't even wanna to know what it is! It smells like Thrandoshan brain!"

Meat Surprise

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